Monday, February 22, 2010

The hurt walker

What a lucky guy? I thought to myself as I saw him walk past me.  An expression that would be reserved for a fellow guy not if he was an intellectual genius or Albert Einstein's alter ego, but if he was walking with an absolute beauty of a babe or obviously, if I had other intentions.  The most incredible aspect of the male pheromone is obviously the ability to influence every member of the same species with a common trait that virtually nullifies the uniqueness of the individual.  In short, perception of unique thought is nothing but absolutely universal.  Well, I digress, but that's what I was doing literally.  I was launching a scalene triangle to cover half a pace.  You can imagine the frontal movement of my legs.  It was as though I was transformed into a dog when I tried to move forward.  Herculean, monumental, outstanding and sensational were words reduced to grave insignificance compared to the amount of happiness I secured when I moved forward.

Why are you walking like that? What happened? Did you get injured? were commonly refrained to me seeing my awkward state of movement.  Well, the bacterial infection, twice in two months reduced me to a sitting duck.  That was when I was missing Jeeves, who has a solution to almost everything on this planet, especially for trivial issues that get magnified by trivial fellows like me.  

It is difficult to answer the questions without embarrassment.  

Actually, my toe is infected by stephalococcus ponapocattum bacterium infectum (made this up).  It didn't help my cause that I was making it sound like some Harry Potter charm.  More often that not, people empathized with my condition, but not with my explanation.  Obviously, even my dog would know that I was bull shitting.  Oh man, I am not going to insult anyone with dogs.  I don't even feel like addressing my friends with my usual characteristic Hello dawg! It feels so demeaning now to associate everything with those ultra cool creatures.

The infection leads to a white fluid forgettable mass that remains hidden under the epidermis of the skin.  It feels as though it never wants to come out into the open and face the Kansas winter.  The first infection occurred on my left toe, while the second time, I had it on my right calf muscle.  During the first instance, it was a classic case of invoking Lord Shiva the whole night before picking the first possible appointment to consult the doctor.  During the second instance, the wound healed itself after a couple of days of suffering and just before I could get an appointment fixed.   

With the close pals here, it is all the more harder to explain your predicament.  For as things stand here, you can gain anything except sympathy with these fellows! 

Thankfully, I wasn't hash tagged in Twitter.  It would have been pretty bad to see your friends tweeting about you and all satirical.  

Blood or Pus #youprefer

Blood diamond or pus diamond #youprefer

Bloody or pus-sy #youprefer

But, it is only after you undergo these moments that you realize that you have it in you to become a Usain Bolt or a Michael Johnson pretty easily.  Ice skating or figure skating or moguls just becomes any other Olympic sport.  Nothing in this world is impossible anymore.  The Nike tag line makes more sense now than it ever did before.  But, come on, you really don't think I am going to participate in the Olympics!

Liberating or exhilarating #youprefer, well actually, it should be #both.

And yes, all said and done, it doesn't require special powers to admire an Einstein.  I was just kidding in the first sentence.  So, next time, if you wonder why somebody is admiring a fellow walker, more often than not, there is only one reason, and that is because the admirer must be a hurt walker.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Just another day

Why don't you help me in the kitchen? I have so many things to do.

I could just hear the usual faint cry from the kitchen.  After so many years of marriage, I was getting used to these little things.

Father, why don't you budge from that freakin' newspaper?

The second source of disturbance was from none other than my ever social Sahana.  She was busy too.  At least, it made me feel better that she was calling me as father, instead of various condensed versions of abominate equivalents.  They were fancy killers, really! I mean who would want to be called as papa or puppy (disgusting, who wants to be called like that!) or whatever.  By the way, getting back to the real reason of she being busy.

Sahana, don't shout at me like that.  I have a hundred reasons to be unhappy with you.  What are you doing in front of the laptop? Is this the reason you asked me to get you a Mac? Why can't you just communicate with your friends over phone? Or still better, why don't you go meet them?

Oh, com'on, this is the weekend.  I meet them all the time during the weekdays.

What do you intend to convey using those one liners?

Oh, that is Twitter.  I have 500 followers.

I don't care how many people follow my daughter.  I don't want you to be following any of them.  Do you understand?

Aiyyo, you know so little about the latest technology and you talk as though you know everything.

Stop your piffles, and get some work done.

I can as well go and help mother in the kitchen, and then, she added with a snicker, papa.


At the exact moment, the doorbell started to ring like a temple bell.  It is during these moments that you really want to disable this feature, banish civilization and meditate in the forests.  I also knew where the next source of noise had to come from.

Even before I could hear any, I preempted that step by raising my vocals, OK OK, I will go and open the door.  You don't have to shriek out from the kitchen.

Yeah right, as if I am doing everything here for my sake.  If I don't cook today, the whole house will starve.  Why don't you come to the kitchen for a few minutes? Then, you will know, how tough it really is to manage the house.  It is very easy to shout from there, sitting in front of the television and watching that loud mouthed journalist shout as though she is the one fighting for her life.

Oh come on, I haven't watched news channels in quite some time.  I just sit in front of the computer reading world news hoping for world peace, and of course, some peace at home.

OK, you are a Mahatma.  Now, please go and open the door.  You and your daily friend can discuss the usual politics.

Hello Vasudeven, Vango vango (Come Come! even though it rhymes with mango, v-a-n is spoken out as v-a-a-n in a pleasant sort of way and exactly opposite to Rajini's legendary ulle po dialogue).

Hello Raghavan, how are you? Did you see the latest news? People are fighting for a split in this state as well.

Ha ha ha, sir, if we split further, we will fall into Sri Lanka.  As such there are 77 states in the country.  How many more can this country handle?  Are there any more new states added today?

No, no, I think we are up to date with the latest.  In the North, Mayapur was added.  You must know who is in control of that state just by the name itself.  The state has added a new ministry as well - Ministry of Sculptures.  It is a ten man army managing the sculpture of one person.  Very commendable! Of course, there was also an addition of a separate state for film personalities.  Forgot the name.  Sounded something like Blo-oo-per.  As such they are a bunch of jokers.  Those days, the states were based on linguistics.  Now, we see new states based on fraternities, occupation, unemployment, hunger and a whole lot of other statistics.  Great!

How can we not talk about his, Vasudevan! At least, amidst all the bad things happening to the country, the only good piece of news is also in the form of bad news.  The infernal goda has passed away.  I think the 20 km expressway will be completed finally.  

Anyway, forget about the country  This is never ending news.  What is happening with your son? How is he preparing for the exams? Oooh, as they say, the tenth exams are crucial sir! If he scores well, only then will he be able to get a good government or bank job, otherwise he will end up being engineers like us.  Ask him to study well.

Yes, yes, I have told him that.  Otherwise, he has to worry about the endless layoffs and also, that bugger will end up becoming a debugger all his life.  Nowadays, he talks a lot about farms and fields.  I am worried.

Oh, I know.  I saw his farmville scores on facebook.  He is a genius, shouted Sahana from inside.

Ignore her Vasudevan.  Always butting her nose in front of elders!

OK, Raghavan.  I have to go now.  If I sit here a bit longer, I will have to see my wife waiting for me outside the house, and that's not a very pleasant sight!  Yes, one more thing.  I will not be in town for a week starting tomorrow.  I am going to Karunacherry for an off shore assignment.  I have to check my tickets again.  With all these new states, it is too confusing!

Raghavan, shouted out a voice from inside.  Now, you get going to the market.